Lapis-Lazuli

It's been one week now. She left last Thursday. The first few days were… not good. I miss having her with me. Yeah… it was tough. I distracted myself by watching movies and T.V. shows. It definitely worked for some time. The problem was laying in bed and trying to sleep. When resting my head on the pillow, oh… That's when I loose control of my thoughts and they just dominate me. That's when I think of her most. It has taken me good 3 hours to fall asleep.
Among all the thousands of thoughts going through my mind, though, one of them was there to help.
Thinking of everything we have gone through, well, that helps.

We met last summer. Her sweet and cute beautifulness was… Threatening. I remember getting so clumsy whenever she entered the room; or just hearing her voice. We lived in the same house. A christian community. Now, you already know that I am not the best of the christians; let's just say that compared to me, well, she… was… a magnificent angelic figure. Her face is so perfectly perfect… And her eyes? gosh, her eyes… Two pieces of lapis-lazuli that I am sure, God has carved by himself. The memory of the first time I took a close look into her eyes will forever be in my mind.

She's called, few times, last Thursday. She misses me. She was… not good. I think I will never forget the day I could finally see myself reflected in her.

The gate

Gone. She is gone. I had to take her to the airport yesterday and now she is… well... gone. 

It is not like it was easier for us to say goodbye this time; no; definitely not. How did I feel? Have you ever felt like your soul had been used as wrapping paper for your heart, so that the poor thing could serve as a gift? Nothing amazing, though; just a piece of crap involved in stinkier crap. The crappiest gift ever. Crap… That’s what both my soul and my heart are made of when I don’t have her by my side. 

There we were standing right in front of the gate; she was holding my hand; ˜I can’t do this. I just can’t.˜  - she said with a tear rolling down her face - ˜Then don’t. Stay here with me˜ - my sobbing self replied - ˜I have to. You know I have to.˜ ˜Then go. Just… go.˜ and then she made me promise her I’d walk away and not look back, because if I did, she wouldn’t cross the gate. 

’Just go’ … How often do you pray? I don’t. In fact, I never do. Well, I used to, indeed, but then I stopped. This whole God thing just never made much sense to me. I do not like hypocrisy, though, and that’s why I feel compelled to state that, well, I did pray yesterday… I hugged her, right there in front of the stupid gate and I… I prayed. Why? - you may ask - What’s the reason behind that? I don’t know. I am indeed not certain. Perhaps, a desperate move, as if it was my only and last possible one… What I do know is that in that moment, that seemed so reasonable. I didn't say anything fancy at all. You know, I never pray. I said: "Hey, I know we don't know each other very well anymore, but… Just take care of her, will you? She is… important." 

I would love to say that I walked away and didn’t look back at all, but you see, that would not be true. I hid myself behind this pillar thing and watched her going through the gate. I am sure she didn’t spot me in the crowd. I felt every single step she took away from me as if she were just leaving me here, for good.

I hated being there. I just hated it. I wonder about how the other people were feeling. I am sure I wasn't the only one saying goodbye to the love of my life right there and then. It was sad. It hurts. I cannot help but feel sorry for the stupid gate, though. Poor thing stands there and has to witness each one of the farewells.